7.1 bad: not doing the 9+1 this year is making me feel less prepared headed into marathon training

good: two of my closest friends went from basically non-runners to running half marathons this year and they're both still running and trying to get into summer running the same time as me and it's very sweet!!

adaptive: slept really badly last night, gave up around 430, ran 6 miles bc I got an early start

silly: the bottom of my ponytail was getting all sweaty from my neck when I was running so I came home and chopped off like 2” of hair and now I feel betterrrrrr

5.18 my friend ran her first half marathon yesterday and i cried??? #softashley okay also i was going to try to run 30 miles / week during may and that has not happened at all. i've been feeling lowkey marathon panic lately. fortunately the antidote is obvious.

4.29 i've returned to the industrial zone this past week, i ran there yesterday and today. i had a full circle moment when i was in the car on the way back to my apartment from the marathon with liz & my parents and we were riding through the industrial zone and i was like omg guys this is where i run <3 and liz was like you should not run here. basically where i live is hugged by industry to the north and west, separating me from queens and also williamsburg/greenpoint area. i wouldn't run in the industrial zone in the dark but it feels fine to me. by what metric am i supposed to assess my safety? genuinely idk. don't worry i bring my gun 

i think i've run 18 miles in the past three days because i'm lowkey stressed about the upcoming few weeks even though they are filled with genuinely fun plans. you can be stressed about good things too guys. never doubt the limits of your neuroticism. okay but it's been fun to go back to a route i haven't been on since like october. except i was really bad today. but i didn't really care because i ate mango in mccarren after and i bought a 6$ harmless harvest coconut water i can't help it they're my weaknesssssssssss

3.18 tied a bow on my half marathon training yesterday (meaning i did my last long run). first i will talk about the run i did the second weekend of march, which i did with no headphones because they died in the first mile. i don't know if you guys know this but my headphones broke and i'm just here to get new ones. it's crazy to me that i did 2 hours with no music. it was a lot harder to daydream during that run, i think a lot of my use of music is daydream facilitation. all through middle and high school i used to swing (like on a swingset) for 1-2 hours after school and i'd just listen to music and daydream. anyway. 

after my headphones died i felt very offput by the sound of my breath, which sounded loud and uncontrolled, and my stomping feet. i thought about abandoning the run but i had done a decent amount to set myself up for it so i really didn't want to. when something bad happens in my run i usually just try to ignore / deny it so i don't throw myself into a spiral and start thinking too much. don't panic don't think. it worked and everything was fine. i spent a lot of the run thinking about how quiet, actually, the park was, particularly in the loop with everyone running. there was a brief moment of music when a pedicab was playing empire state of mind and i was like hell yeah turn it up. 

i have pretty predictable struggle miles when i punch above 10 (i was trying to do 12) - for half marathon distance, there's a trap in my mind around mile 8. i get caught up in distances that feel far but you still have too far to go to feel like you're near the end. in the marathon this was about miles 16-18 for me...like you've undoubtedly come a long way, but you're really not in the home stretch yet. the home stretch for half marathon feels like 10, and by 8 i was sort of tired. it's hard to tell though what's mental and what's bodily, i remember in my mile 8 panic thinking: but my body feels fine. the last mile or so i was running up fifth ave which is part of the marathon route and i was having marathon war flashbacks. i was like just be glad you're on mile 11 and not mile 22. afterwards i showered at my friend's house and we played mario party and ate sushi and it was really sweet.

didn't run this past saturday because i was SORE FROM DANCING! which is crazy because i haven't been sore from running since marathon training and even then it's pretty rare. using my legs in new and exciting ways. didn't run sunday because i was tired from more dancing. left my desk yesterday at 2:30 to run 10 miles and no one teamsed or emailed me anything important the whole time <3 the world conspires in my favor. 

happy with how my run went, it was sweet, i saw a crocus, birds bathing in a puddle, and i listened to music. at the end, i passed a guy. this is pretty rare for me, i think (?), and there was another guy a little ahead of me and i was like wow, maybe i can pass this guy as well. i was about to be done anyway so i sped up and he actually stuck on me a little (i was like get off i'm passing you!!!) but then i passed him and i was like yeaaahhhh. watch out. i'm done with big running until my race, during this break i will focus on partying and having fun. i'll keep running though because you know i luv it, particularly in the spring, the daffodils are just starting to turn up, soon there will be even more crocuses, running reminds me that the world is beautiful, which you can forget if you stay in your apartment too long.

3.3 flopped on running last week, didn't do my long run & abandoned a mid-week run as well. i just didn't feel good when i tried to long run yesterday. it's very rare for me to fully give up on a run ... once ... let alone twice in one week ... trying to not be in my head about it.

2.25 did my first speed workout today ... it was hard. would be nice if i lived near a track but i do not. there's a mostly unbroken stretch of mile path around a cemetery near me (classic queens), that's where i did the speed stuff. but one side is up a hill (and another side is down a hill). i guess that's fine so long as it's my consistent spot. i want to get faster because i don't want to be out there for as long when i'm marathon training lol. and ever since i've started running i've wanted to beat my dad's half marathon time (it's not that fast, i think it's 2:11). i've been volume focused for all of my running so far, just getting in the habit of running and building a base. volume / miles per week was my main focus during marathon training. half marathon training is less demanding in terms of miles per week so i think this is a good time to start playing with speed. i don't hang out a lot at my threshold and i don't have a good sense of my ability in terms of trying to go fast. probs bc it's HARD and i'm very tired now...

2.23 Today when I was running ten miles I was like UGH this is hard and it’s not even really impressive for me to run 10 miles anymore bc I’ve done it a bunch… then I was on the subway and a guy sat next to me. He reached into his pocket so I shifted to give him space and he was like “don’t worry you can kick me anytime” lol. We started talking about running, he told me when he started he couldn’t run two blocks and now he’s up to three miles. He asked how far I had run and I said 10 miles and he was very impressed. Ask and you shall receive lowkey….

2.16 hit double digits on a run yesterday for the first time since marathon (meaning i ran 10 miles)… wahoo. it was nice and i slept really well last night. for the last few miles it was snowing.

i was talking to my friend the other day what she thinks about while running and we do not have the same thoughts out there. i have very yoga-with-adrienne-esque thoughts when i’m not thinking about how running is a torturous grind. usually once during a run i’ll think about how running is a practice…i’m like here i am …returning to my practice (sometime i’m like: WHICH SUCKS!!)… you know how in yoga they talk about “the mat,” like you leave your emotional baggage when you come onto the mat, the mat provides a safe space to feel your feelings, you show up to the mat in different ways over time…idk. does that make sense. running is my mat. no but i like thinking of running as a practice you return to over time.

i’ve also been thinking lately about the awareness running brings to parts of my body i basically never think about (unfortunately this is basically my entire body lol). i have this image of my brain oozing out of my head and down my body all the way to my feet when i’m stomping around. when you were in school did you do the: crack an egg on your head and yolk is dripping down let the yoke drip down and the chills creep up. it’s like that but not creepy. when i’m struggling sometimes i’m like ok ok ok i’m in my head, loud in my head, but where are my feet? where are my knees, where are my hips, where’s my butt, where’s my belly, where are my arms where are my fingers am i wearing my shoulders like earrings? loop them and bring them down, okay now i’m oneeee big moving part …

2.3 even though it didn't really feel like it, i ran in january. i actually ran every week in january, though often it was only once or twice. i'm doing a half marathon at the end of march which is sooner than ideal but i'll be doing it with my friend (ideal). need to find a plan to stick to, but proud of myself for getting back into being active after a rather sedentary nov/dec. small steps!

1.14.25 eked out two runs that i didn't want to do and did not enjoy and then today finally the desire to run flickered inside me. and i had a nice time running, particularly to the end of all i need by radiohead lol (the piano part). sometimes i'm like: i wish i could change what i want. i don't really know how to do that. but sometimes if you change what you do it ends up changing what you want. does that make sense

11.5 ran a slow slow marathon and all it took was completely changing my day to day life and totally orienting myself around running. yesterday i was out in the yard with margot and i looked at my tree and i was like. it is november fourth. and something really shifted, like i was conceptualizing time so differently because of the marathon, i was like wow, it's early november. i feel like i had no october, i just had pre marathon

since the marathon my lips have been sooo chapped which has been extremely annoying to me

10.30 i have the taper crazies

10.29 when i'm on the queensboro, i'll have 10 miles left. i was curious how many times in the past ~year i've run over 10 miles. i've run over 10 miles 26 times this year.

10.23 i am not thriving under these Stressful Event circumstances ... i obviously have anxiety about the marathon & my capacity to do it, but i have more anxiety just about the logistics of people coming, worry about people disappointing me (idk what i'm expecting but), not being able to see people who traveled a long way, what sort of state i'll be in... i thought my best friend was going to be with me the night before and in my head that meant she could take care of my dog in the morning, so now my morning of plans feel sort of wonk... one domino shifts & they all come crashing down...we should never rely on people..... this is not true... but it is how i feel. .... 

i already don't do well with the feeling of like, lots of people looking at me, and now i'm coordinating many people to come look at me and i'm like what. and what if it's 75 godddamn degrees the day of. also bad feelings abt how this would be so much easier if [REDACTEDREDACTEDREDACTED]. no fantasies we must live in the timeline god abandoned.

i guess bc i had no graduation ala covid the last thing i've had that felt similar to this was like, my senior prom lol, and i had this big meltdown before (TBF my gf at the time and i were on prom court as lesbians for the first time ever so that was adding stress) anyway WHATEVER IT WILL BE FINE!!!

running at least is still fun. except also i have shin splints? i'm ignoring this and will not allow it to seep any further into my conscious mind

10.17 Is it the three days rest? The taper? The beautiful autumnal weather? Idk but I have been really enjoying running this week. Maybe it’s because I’m not being obsessive about weekly mileage in the taper - I’ve pretty much done all I can do at this point in terms of improving my fitness pre marathon. This weekend I do my “just a half marathon” long run, and it really is so much less intimidating than it would have been even six months ago. Sincerity alert…..I’ve come so far! Hopefully the marathon will feel like a big gift but feeling nice in my body as I do these playful relaxed runs … while the trees turn and are all so beautiful … It is a pleasure & a privilege not lost on me!!

10.7 happy peak week to all who observe. i’m not sure my mileage will actually peak this week. this is the struggle w my commitment to the friday long run - i need to get in all my mileage at the front of the week, because in addition to being married to the friday long run, my carrot on the end of the 20 mile stick is that i’m going to take TWO CONSECUTIVE DAYS OFF RUNNING afterwards. something i have not done since july.

many considerations surrounding the 20 miler on friday (aka marathon dress rehearsal). they include:

- my outfit. hopefully it comes as planned on weds. if so, i’ll probably shake around in it a little on thursday & then send on friday.

- gu, salt stick, & the functionality of my running belt. i have not tried the salt stick i bought. i think the plan is to start with a plastic water bottle filled with electrolyte mix, replenish it w water from foutains as needed, and figure out how to use the salt stick supplement. need to look further into this. will also test the pockets in my new shorts and see what (if anything) needs to go in my spi belt who is truly on her final legs… i’m feeling more confident about my tentative decision to not carry water during the course. i want to minimize stuff. there was a horrible year where they ran out of water in the later miles for the slow runners (me), so that’s the worst case scenario, but i should have enough people on the course late enough in the game that if something catastrophic is happening, rachel can toss me a coconut water or something & i can chug along.

- when i run…. i’m gonna run super early i think, despite the fact that it would be smart to practice not running super early. idk maybe i’ll change my mind on this? one of the most dreadful things abt the nyc marathon is the late start. who tf wants to start a running a marathon at 11am. that’s mid day. that’s peak sun. i don’t want to do it so much that i’m really not interested in practicing it. maybe as the weather cools i’ll do some of my taper runs mid-day to make up for this?

- the route. this is another annoying decision for me…. i think the smartest choice would be to run the last 20 miles of the nycm route. home field advantage, baby. HOWEVER. the further i run and the more tired i am, the more i’m thwarted by stop lights and the mental energy it takes to make sure i’m following the right route (as opposed to when i run the marathon and will not have to wonder if i’m going the right way lol). running into an actually busy road feels like a genuine, glucose-utilizing decision (do i try to make the cross walk if i’m cutting it, do i pause strava, i usually don’t but sometimes it takes so long i wish i would have .. looking at phone to see map … dodging people…). i’m tempted to do my regular float across QB, into park, and then loop park until 20. maybe there is some sort of deal i can make with myself…like i can run early in the AM like a freak but at the cost of following the route (and then the route will be less crowded?).

- practice for the days leading up. on weds and thurs, i’ll try to up my cals & carbs, and i’ll start paying more attention to my water intake. “hyper hydrate” is a term i hear. you want to be so hydrated before because you can never really get back to fully hydrated, you’re just sort of topping off your supplies. i will go full insane mode on thursday and try to figure out what sort of weirdo things i’m gonna wanna do before the race (like will i stretch?). i will also eat my dinner. on thursday night, i’m practicing dinner. lol. and then i’ll practice my morning of breakfast, which i think will be a bagel & a banana.

if i had to guess what might fuck me on the actual marathon, my guess would be nutrition (taking enough gus, having enough salt/electrolytes, typical wall-avoidance protocol). so that will be my focus.

is that it? that might be it. the rule “nothing new on race day” seems impossible. things will be very different surrounding the race. i think liz will be staying with me, my parents will be here, the weather is an unpredictable factor and who knows what the taper will bring. it will be so, so different to go through all the hullabaloo of getting to the start, then running in a pack of people in front of a ton of people at a totally new distance. i’ve spectated the marathon for two years, and just spectating the marathon feels emotional for me. literally like, the night before spectating the marathon has felt emotional to me. lol. it’s just a very energetically intense event and you cannot replicate that sort of intensity in training. so i’m going to be showing up like a beginner to the thing i’ll be doing for the first time.

some tarot on the 20 miler: 7 of pents, the lovers, the magician (queen of pents on bottom (she's me)). deck says i’ve got this! WEEK FIFTEEN

10.7 every day i log onto reddit and read people fight about the value of running over 3 hours in marathon training

9.30 45 miles last week. YAY! there was a time it seemed so impossible. called my dad to see what he thinks i should do for long run planning since i'm essentially doing ashley's mash up two plan plan. he's run one marathon like 25 years ago so he's not an expert but it's nice to have his input. anytime i consult my father he both thinks i'm running too much and that i'm too slow. lol. i love the subtle ways he tries to ask me why i'm so slow. i'm not kidding it's funny and i am slow! i don't know why bill....

i am seeing the pieces start to come together. gonna take a slight down week this week which should have me itchy for 20 next friday. two weeks ago i did stacked tens rather than anything super long and i was really eager for the 18, i just felt like i had too much bodily energy. anyway, next will be my peak week, then i'll taper. how is the taper in view!! i wasn't sure about 3 vs 4 week taper but i feel good about 3 week taper. we'll see.

god perhaps smiling down upon me - it's possible i'll do my 20 in the high hormone phase (pms), which would be a struggle, but it's possible the high hormone phase / my period will sync really nicely with the taper, and that the sun will part / blood will dry right on time for marathon. this is good because it seems very unlikely i'll be in high hormone phase during marathon, which is worse case scenario to me (i would honestly prefer to be on my period for marathon than in pms). it's crazy how much pms effects my running.

my friend wants to do a spring half marathon, so i'm also sort of thinking about how the next year in running will go (is there life after marathon??? it has been suggested....). i think i'll be ""off"" from nov - jan, then train for spring half marathon (thinking about trying to get fast?), then july we'll be off to the races once again for nycm round 2. GOD WILLING.

feeling very cautiously optimistic after my big week last week. there will be a ton i cannot control but i have been putting coins in my run jar... which is really all i can do...

week 14!

9.28 on the days I don’t run I’m like ….. where’s the run……

did 18 yesterday, my first time punching past 3 hours of running which i still have pretty mixed feelings about. my last few long runs - 15 & 16 milers - have really impacted my training the following week, which sucks. feel fine today but nervous about my ability to have 2 ~40+ mile weeks in a row. anyway. you really do learn so much on the long run so i can see the argument that you are gaining something even if you're destroying your body slightly more than what is ideal. for ex:

slept badly night before because i'm always nervous, went into some weird emotional tailspin about something totally unrelated (self sabo???). it's good for that to happen so i can practice dealing with big feelings under pressure. woke up later than i expected and had to adjust pre run eating plans, so i only had a banana. this is not ideal. again, i do feel like it's sort of good to have these minorly stressful experiences surrounding the run because i'm learning to adapt and handle them. i also had no electrolytes on the run or before, just me and my little water bottle and a thousand gus.

from around miles 10 - 13 i was really struggling. i was like, i cannot be struggling this hard to run 10 miles. i figured the issue was being underfueled in some way. i was taking gels every ~30 min so i guess it was like a salt / electrolyte thing? after some hemming & hawing i pulled over to get a gatorade. it was FOUR DOLLARS but it worked like a charm. perked me right up. how much it helped felt insane. my last 4 miles were the best of the run. the experience of getting a second wind around mile 12-13 feels really valuable, like to know that you can have run a long way and be tired but still come back and keep going.

i thought of a new metaphor when i was out there which is good. my mind is like a toolbox of various daydreams to deploy while running. when i was in my struggle miles i was thinking about being in the middle of the ocean. so much of what i'm trying to do on the long runs is learn how to control my mind so it's not spinning out about how much longer there is to go and whether or not i'll be able to do it and what might happen if i drink too much water or don't eat enough gu or blah blah blah. be where your feet are, be in the mile you're in, surrender, sink in, different things work at different times and it's good to get to play with it.

yeeehawwwwww. on we go

9.16 tried to run today but did not want to in an extreme way. it wasn't even that my body was particularly blah, i just really really did not wanna run. biked instead. biking is a very different experience from running, it feels a lot less like being in my own world. more combative. but coasting down the bottom of the park is really nice. there is no running equivalent to just sort of being carried by a bike, it's like if you could increase running distance while lying down or something

9.12 i’m about halfway through marathon training - i have eight weeks left. feeling very in the middle. like i’ve come a long way but i have a long way to go

9.3 okay i take it back things to fear. just kidding.

idk i just felt really bodily yuck on my easy run in a new way...trying not to freak out about it. it's sort of funny how in running when i experience a pain or negative sensation, i not only have an adverse reaction to the experience or whatever, but then i also have a fear of experiencing it again (which might be the worst part).

i can take a down week this week if i want, maybe pull back on mid week running and focus on running two strong 10s this weekend if need be. also soon i will have access to a bathtub for a few glorious days. feels like my body needs something but unclear to me what.

comforting to remember i had a similar dip in performance mid-half marathon training a few months ago, similarly colored by lite anguish and self loathing

8.30 NOTHING TO FEARRRRRRR

8.29 i am AFRAID! of my 15 mile run this week

8.20 more intense plan experimentation going well. just finished four days in a row of running. when i was training for my most recent half marathon, i seldom ran two days in a row (just thought it would be too much for me?). my body held up to the four days just fine. a beautiful break in heat/humidity helped me today. spirits are high as i attempt my third week in the thirties - hoping to hit around 35 miles this week. feeling like maybe i got this! and excited to rest tomorrow.

7.30 I’m actually at a perfect moment to switch plans (if I do). & while I was not perfectly following higdon plan (at all), I was almost exactly running the mileage for the plan I’m considering switching too. just calling out some gooood orderly direction

7.28 want to write about my running. spending a lot of time today looking into this idea that you shouldn't run more than 3 hours in marathon training (my current plan to do at least an 18 & 20 miler, which would probably take ~3:45min if things went well). the theory is basically that anything longer than 3 hours is just beating up your body so much it's not worth it. the solution is "stacked long runs," so you'd do like an 8 and then a 10 in a row (sat/sun basically). there is a plan associated with this school of thought but the plan involves running 6x a week which ummm...kind of turns me off. people say that it trains you for the "final 16 miles" by really leaning into cumulative fatigue (bc you're running so many miles per week & have only 1 rest day). idk i see the appeal particularly because the nyc marathon course is sooo hilly, and i'm afraid of the hills at the end particularly. people on reddit are like: THE PROFESSIONALS TRAIN NOT FOR THE BRIDGES BUT 5TH AVE. idk none of this is that deep bc i'll be lucky if i finish in 6 hours but i don'tttt know. i don't want to unnecessarily beat up my delicate corporeal form

wish i could take a bath