these posts are old!!

10.19.25

completed my weekend objective YAY! now i'm home and deliriously hungry. i had a sweet time away, i met lots of nice people. when i'm in a little town i sometimes think of the first time i was ever on a trip for "research." my professor was like the most important thing you'll do is talk to people and ask questions. he didn't say it like that because he has a perfect way of speaking where he'll give a direction as a sort of compliment. on the trip he emailed me: you're good at asking questions. anyway, my ex and i (he got to come) would joke that everyone was like a character in a video game who has a piece of knowledge to give you for your quest if you click on them and ask them to speak.

another thought i had was that it was worth it to live in montana for the cultural cred. i tell a rural person i live in nyc and they bring out their tomatoes but then i say i USED to live in MT and they go ooohhh wowww grizzly bears.....

shortly after the last summit of my hike i came across a kind of sketchy ice patch and the guy behind me said, you're supposed to run up to it and slide on your belly like a penguin. i thought that was cute enough and so we did the last ~4 miles of the hike together. twice people asked if we wanted them to take a picture of us and i kept thinking of this because i literally didn't know his name: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=om8kV_2MoFY

driving home i was thinking of all the men i've discussed moby dick with (he was reading moby dick. sometimes i ask a question ("do you have any hobbies") and i want to tell someone they're answering perfectly ("yes, reading" "what books" "i just finished crime & punishment and started moby dick")). i can think of SIX men i've talked about moby dick with, and zero women. herman melville wrote moby dick so that i could talk to boys about it. it really is a good book though. female dickheads STAND UP

he had lived for a while in lander, WY, and randomly i had spent 10 days there a few years ago. it is very rare i get to speak about the wind river range .... it was in the winds i had my beautiful otter experience. we were talking about music and he mentioned seeing phoebe bridgers at red rocks and i said when i lived in missoula i used to drive the road to glacier listening to punisher. and he said punisher was his lander album. when i get to talk about living in the sticks i feel like wow, my life is both varied (i no longer live that life) and continuous (my life includes that life). idk if that makes sense.

this morning we met in VT at a little field by a river where i was playing with margot. it was nice. it's giving corporate nyc lady meets rural vermont christmas tree farmer. sometimes god throws you a random little bone like that

1.18.25

bopbopbopbopbopbop i went out on thursday, drank, smoked a cigarette (never been done before) and was not hungover yesterday, so not hungover that i went on a run. if you work a dumb computer job like me there is really nothing like going out on thurs. it feels like adding an extra day to the weekend. anyway, i didn't sleep well but i was in a good mood all day, which felt like getting away with something. 

friday morning i woke up early and was getting a bagel when i realized my hair smelled like cigarette smoke. i'm surprised i don't see more people talking about when a smell gets trapped in your hair? sometimes i wake up during the night with my face in my hair and it smells like someone's house or their hands.

out with someone i used to see. he told me i had an amazon autoship order that was still getting sent to his apt every quarter (for like the past 18 months). i lost track of this because i would open new amazon accounts to get free prime. he said: "for the first 9 months or so when i would get it i'd be angry. i have a pile of your stuff, my dark memory pile." 

i gave him $20 to buy the next round of drinks and he slid it back into my purse when i was in the bathroom. the only other thing in my purse besides my keys/wallet was a huge cookie. 

i had a really sweet time sort of unexpectedly, i'm trying to identify what about it was so nice. it's fun to catch up because you can show off how much you remember about someone, and it's sweet to be remembered. being familiar with someone is so nice, you don't have to talk about books or movies or tv shows. you can talk about your sisters.

i was accompanied home all the way from manhattan which was kind and unexpected. nice to sit on the subway with someone who has similar subway sensibilities as me (quiet). the walk from the L to my place was a very sincere trading of feelings. i usually am incapable of this or don't want to do it so i get jokey (/mean). even if i feel warm or want to be very honest, in my head i think i can sense where the other person's boundaries are, things they wouldn't want to hear or places they don't want to go. i didn't have a sense of this thursday night, wasn't worried about bumping up against an ego. i don't know, it was sweet. 

i want my relationships to feel loving and honest but things get wonky and go sideways, and even though things certainly went wonky & sideways in this, it's nice to hear that the love was the foundational thing, the thing to remember and talk about. and to agree that the badness was accidental, immature, misguided - more like stepping on someone's toes than punching them in the face. i remember being frustrated, trying to convince him before that our relationship was important at all, and on thursday he quickly and plainly referred to the month and year that we "broke up." it felt good to hear it like that. and then about how it was always love between us.