3/12/25

This is what just happened to me at the Apple Store in Williamsburg.

I walk in and I’m like my headphones are broken, I want to get new ones. The first guy is like um idk and he goes and gets another guy. The second guy comes and is like I hear your headphones are broken and I’m like yeah. I’m holding them and the metal connector piece isn’t on. He takes my phone and shines a pen light into the bottom. I'm like wtf. Why is he looking at my phone’s p****. Then he starts talking about making an appointment and I'm like what? And he’s like the connector is stuck in the phone. And I'm like no it’s not I pulled it out with tweezers, it’s in my purse (didn’t he just look?). He wants to see the connector even though I’m rummaging around in my purse in a way that is meant to convey: it's in here but I don't want to actually find it. I sift through the too many pairs of earrings in the side pocket and pull out the connector. I show him. Okay well to use the warranty you need to make a Genius Bar appointment. Okay. The warranty might not cover it because it’s physical damage. Okay. 

Now I’m sitting at a conference table and there’s a guy giving a talk being projected onto a big screen. There are a few chairs surrounding him but no one is sitting in them, no one at all seems to be looking at this mic’d up apple guy. He's demonstrating features of the camera, gabbing and taking selfies with his silly mustache. I’m watching because I can’t use my phone because the second guy overtook it to make this appointment and now there’s a loading screen on it. I start giggling. The guy doing the presentation sees me laughing and he starts laughing and goes: I need to take a thirty second break. 

Then a third guy comes over and he’s like you can’t use the warranty but since you’re at this Genius Bar appointment you can get them for $16 instead of $19. Okay.

Then a fourth guy comes over and he’s like ASHLEYYYYY and sticks out his fist. What. I fist bump him. He’s like, I hear your headphones are broken.Then he starts talking for what feels like a long time. At the first break I’m like, yeah, I just sort of want to get new headphones (this is me being annoyed and confrontational). I totally get that. Technically, because it's physical damage, it's not covered by the warranty. So I’ve heard. Buuuhhhuuuttt for youuuuuu.... Now I have to flirt with this guy?? I JUST WANT HEADPHONES. Okayyyyy well are you gonna help me out :))) He sits down next to me and starts filling out some forms on his iPad. I show him my receipt. Omg, you JUST bought these, I gotta help you Ashley. Even though it's really against the rules. Yes that’d be great I want to use them on my run tomorrow. Oh do you run? You training for a race? Yeah I’m doing a half in a few weeks. Do you run? He laughs. No I play sports though. If you play sports sometimes running is the punishment. Exactlyyyy Ashley, you get it, you must have played sports. I played basketball in high school. What sports did you play. I played football in high school for three years. My senior year I had to work. Did you work here? No I worked at White Castle. It’s good to do your time in the food service industry. Exactly. Did you work in food? I was a waitress at a breakfast place for many years. Apple guy is having me run the first date playbook.

Eventually another guy comes to us, he is bearing the headphones. This is the LAST PAIR of corded headphones Ashley. I love the cord, I say. He tells me that earlier a girl that looked like me was here to get corded headphones. Bitches love the cord, this is what I imagine he's thinking. He unwraps them and hands them to me and it seems like no money will be exchanged. They’re all yours. Wow, thank you so much. I do prayer hands at him. I really appreciate it. He’s still filling out stuff on his iPad. Can I leave?  He smiles at me, yeah Ashley, we’re not holding you hostage. I feel differently. Okay, thanks so much! He holds out his fist. Bump. Good luck on your race! he calls out to me while I'm walking away. Thank you! I look up at the big lecture screen and the guy lecturing has taken a selfie that he's changing to grayscale. Finally I am free.